Is It Because I’m … ?
In tense moments, the question “Is it because I’m White?” (or Black, Latino, or Asian) often comes up when race seems to explain what's happening. While race plays a role, it’s usually not the whole story.
Consider this scenario in a youth-serving program: A BIPOC-identified teen becomes loud and aggressive. A White staff member intervenes, but things escalate. She becomes louder, tense, and red-faced, reflecting fear and discomfort. The teen responds with more defiance, and the situation spirals.
Then, a Black staff member steps in. She speaks calmly, maintains relaxed body language, and projects strength without trying to control the situation. Her relational approach de-escalates the conflict, and the teen calms down.
It’s tempting to view this difference purely in terms of race, but the key difference isn’t just about being White or Black—it’s about how each person managed their energy, emotions, and approach.
The White staff member escalated by:
Approaching with an authoritarian attitude.
Speaking louder, signaling fear and anxiety.
Displaying body language that conveyed insecurity, provoking more defiance.
The Black staff member de-escalated by:
Speaking softly and slowing her cadence.
Remaining calm and confident.
Using relational strength instead of dominance.
These aren’t just racial dynamics—they’re skills anyone can develop. The work begins with self-awareness and managing your internal state.
Self-Reflection and Skillful Means
In a previous blog, I centered my own Whiteness to speak to other White leaders about contributing to racial equity. One of my Black mentors responded:
“As a Black woman and leader, I also face challenges of behavioral superiority, bias, and othering, and I must be self-reflective and intentional about how I show up at work. Creating inequitable or unwelcoming environments isn’t just a White reality—everyone is susceptible. Race is a deep and pervasive issue in our country, but to be culturally responsive is a mandate for every leader.”
This insight is critical. While race is undeniably a factor, it’s not the only one. Creating inclusive environments starts with self-awareness and understanding how our internal states affect interactions. Regardless of race or identity, we all carry biases and conditioning that influence how we show up in moments of conflict.
So, how can we be more effective in fostering inclusivity?
Start with self-awareness: Recognize your triggers and biases. Are you reacting from fear or control?
Take responsibility for your energy: Are you grounded and calm, or flooded with fear or frustration?
Develop relational skills: Can you project strength without asserting authority, listen more, and lead with empathy?
What Happens When We’ve Done All That?
Even after developing these skills, there’s still room for misinterpretation, especially in interracial communication. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, we’re still perceived as disrespectful or inappropriate. When this happens, increasing communication is key. Acknowledge the misunderstanding, ask what specific behavior triggered the reaction, and reinforce positive intentions. Most youth, like all of us, want to be seen and respected. Investing in repairing the relationship strengthens bonds and builds understanding.
When we stop viewing race as the sole explanation, we make space for growth and create truly inclusive environments. The real question becomes: How can I show up in ways that bridge differences, foster connection, and help everyone thrive?